The One Where Phoebe Needs a Grinder (But Monica Can’t Afford a Pivot to Planetary Ball Mills)

INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY

The gang is gathered around the usual orange couch, sipping on coffee. Phoebe strums her acoustic guitar, a frown etched on her face.

PHOEBE: (Singing) "My research grant fell through, oh the cruel twist of fate..."

MONICA: (Concerned) Woah there, Pheebs. What's going on? Did Ursula steal your research money again?


PHOEBE: No, worse! Dr. Geller said I need a special grinder for my experiment, but it costs, like, a million dollars!

CHANDLER: (Sarcastically) A million bucks for a coffee grinder? Sounds like you're grinding some serious beans there, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: It's not for coffee, Chandler! It's a planetary ball mill, for grinding stuff down into tiny little particles. You know, for science!

JOEY: (Confused) Planetary ball mill? Sounds like something Ross would invent to get his pants even tighter.

ROSS: (Defensive) Hey! My research is important! And comfortable pants are key to scientific discovery.


MONICA: Okay, okay, let's hold off on the fashion lecture. Phoebe needs help finding this… planetary… thing.

RACHEL: (Flipping through a magazine) Maybe there's a coupon in here? "20% off all pulverizing equipment"?

MONICA: (Scoffs) Rachel, a coupon for a million-dollar machine? Get real.

PHOEBE: Maybe I can write a song about it. "Ode to the Expensive Grinder, Oh How I Long for Thee!"

CHANDLER: Don't unleash that on the unsuspecting public, Pheebs. We barely survived Smelly Cat.

INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S APARTMENT - LATER

Monica frantically searches the internet on her laptop while Chandler flips through TV channels.

MONICA: (Typing) "Planetary ball mill PM100… affordable options… student discounts…"

CHANDLER: Ooh, "Naked Chef" marathon! Cannibalism never looked so delicious.

MONICA: Chandler! Focus! We need to find Phoebe a cheaper grinder or her research is toast.

CHANDLER: (Pointing at the TV) Hey, maybe Jamie Oliver can grind stuff with his bare hands. He seems like a resourceful guy.

MONICA: (Ignoring Chandler) Aha! There's an online forum for scientists. Maybe someone's selling a used PM100.

INT. CENTRAL PERK - DAY

Phoebe paces anxiously, holding a worn-out mortar and pestle.

PHOEBE: (Singing) "My mortar's so weak, my pestle's so slow, at this rate, my research will never, ever go…"

JOEY: (Patting her back) There, there, Pheebs. We'll find you a grinder, even if we have to steal one from… (whispers) Ursula.

MONICA: (Bursting in) Stop the singing and the criminal planning! I found a lead! There's a guy selling a used PM100 online, but it's all in… (squints at the screen) Latvian?

RACHEL: (Confused) Latvian? As in, the country, not the dance?

MONICA: Looks like it. We need someone who speaks Latvian to negotiate the price.

CHANDLER: (Raises his hand) Latvian? Didn't Gunther learn it to impress that travel writer chick?

INT. CENTRAL PERK - LATER

Gunther stands awkwardly next to Monica, a nervous smile plastered on his face.

GUNTHER: (In heavily accented Latvian) Sveiki! (Hello!) Es vēlētos iegādāties jūsu planētas bumbiņu dzirnaviņas. (I would like to buy your planetary ball mill.)

MONICA: (Whispering to Chandler) Is he, uh, complimenting the guy's… beard?

CHANDLER: (Whispering back) I think so. This is not going well.

Suddenly, Gunther starts arguing animatedly with the seller on the phone.

PHOEBE: (Eyes wide) Wow, Gunther's a fierce negotiator! He sounds like a mama bear protecting her cubs!

After a tense few minutes, Gunther hangs up the phone.

GUNTHER: (Beaming) Laba diena! (Goodbye!) We got it! The price is half what he originally asked!

The friends erupt in cheers. Phoebe throws her arms around Gunther in a grateful hug.